Fantasies are Ridiculous.

I've about had it. You know what I'm talking about. Unicorns, specialty erotica, "wicca," D&D, all of that nonsense. I do not think it is healthy for a photoset to feature a woman wearing a clingy white fairy dress in the shower, or a big rabbit costume, or a diaper - that is unrealistic and likely to create antisocial "wants" in the viewer. Do you think Thoreau wanted to see a topless woman in a diaper? You would be insane if you tried to make that case.

If you regularly indulge in fantasies, try to stop. Next time you want to be a horse, or Japanese, just stop it. You'll thank me.

I am sick of Olestra.

I don't know if you know this, but "Olestra" is the fat-free oil that a number of snack chips are fried in these days. The chips come out perfect, virtually indiscernible from regular chips. Therein lies the problem.

I have not eaten snack chips for a good long while, due to health concerns. They are high in sodium, and high in fat. In short, they fan the flames of high blood pressure. I have high blood pressure. I have no problem with revealing that.

The new Olestra chips pack none of the fat, but they still have the high sodium. So, the "silent killer" still stalks us, in the aisles of our "friendly" supermarkets, hidden beneath the badge of the "non-fat" label. And we are likely to eat more of these same-sodium chips because we think we are "healthying-up."

This blog entry is an open invitation for the Frito-Lay corporation to begin to undo the massive damage they have wreaked upon the American snacking public. I am considering legal action if F-L is not proactive on this one.

Do NOT eat crab unless it is the DAY before trash pickup!

We need to draft some new city ordinances around here. Some fool next door disposed of crab shells in his trash FIVE DAYS before trash pickup, and the odor is unbearable. I am fully considering renting a hotel room and sending him the bill. I've got a call in to the police and I'm searching www.nolo.com to see what exactly my options are.

Chinese people are keeping secrets from us.

I have two ways of proving this:

1. I was having a nice lunch by myself at Amazing Wok this afternoon, and I noticed that a Chinese customer was eating an item that did not appear to be on the menu: a large bowl full of soup noodles, broth, stewed beef, and vegetables. A non-Chinese patron stopped the waiter and asked what the dish was, and he said it was not on the menu, but that she could order it if she wanted. He strongly cautioned her, though, that the dish was "very very spicy," obviously by way of dissuading her. Point one: there are some things the Chinese keep to themselves.

2. Have you ever tried to cook Chinese food at home? It is impossible to recreate what you find in even the most humble of Chinese restaurants, even if you have a recipe written by a Chinese person. Point two: there is something going on in Chinese kitchens that we are simply not allowed to know.

I know that simply by publishing this information I will probably wind up with long, black tinted-window Mercedes-Benz cars driving past my house at odd hours, but so be it. Someone has to defend the truth in this country. No more Chinese food for me until the Chinese fess up. I'm waiting.